| Battleship – A Film by MichaelBay |
[Feb. 20th, 2008|03:51 pm] |
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Movies draw their inspiration from a multitude of sources: history, folk tales, plays, radio, television, news events, poems, novels, epics and other movies. Of course, these days many of those old adages have been used up (though some of us are still waiting patiently for the long-delayed Jack Benny Show movie) and movies have had to turn to more modern sources of inspiration: comic books, videogames, amusement park rides and…board games? This very small article appeared today via Reuters: “NEW YORK (Reuters) - Hasbro Inc on Wednesday said it signed a six-year deal with Universal Pictures for the film company to make at least four movies based on well-known games like Monopoly, Battleship, Candy Land and Ouija” It’s easy to jump to conclusions and write off such a concept as mindless piddle and yet another example of the movie industry being totally out of fresh ideas. Many scoffed at the concept of turning an amusement park ride into a successful film franchise, but obviously it worked out so well that the original ride was remade to include elements of the films that it inspired. And let’s not forget those movies about kids who play weird board games only to have the game come to life and suck them into worlds of elephants, ray guns and ray gun toting elephants. Those movies did fairly well with the kiddy crowd and even inspired real-life board games based on their fictional namesakes. In the end, a movie is all about execution and how much the people involved put into the project. For every Pirates of the Caribbean you have a Country Bear Jamboree, for every 300 you have a Daredevil, and for every Tora! Tora! Tora! you have a Pearl Harbor. There’s no reason a movie based on Battleship can’t be much better than Clue, it all depends on how you do it. I have a few suggestions for the fine folk at Universal on how to utilize the two properties that can probably get the most return on their investment. I’m sure they can put together a decent kid’s movie based on Candy Land. If some God-spouting produce can have two films, why not little pegs that bounce along a multi-colored board? Ouija should also be easy to slap together because there are already a handful of bad ghost/demon movies that have Ouija scenes. Do a little Ed Wood job to cut them all together and see what you come up with because seriously, do you really think the audience at a Ouija-inspired movie will notice? They’ll just be excited seeing the planchette move. The real money for Universal will come from the two games sure to lend themselves to big summer blockbuster event movies: Monopoly and Battleship. Here’s how I envision them: It’s a Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Monopoly World! Sure to be the greatest comedy of all time, the Monopoly movie should focus on its brand strengths – greed and collectible pewter tokens. The plot is simple: Mr. Monopoly will hand over the deeds to Park Place and Boardwalk, complete with hotels, to whoever completes an epic race around a board and collects the most rent from one another. Beyond the usual cast of Thimble, Scottie Dog, Iron, Shoe, Racecar and Guy on a Horse will be representatives from the hundreds of pop culture and specialty Monopoly sets. Thrill as Racecar goes up against Space Shuttle! Chortle as Peter Griffin beats Homer Simpson to Community Chest! Bust a gut as John Deere Tractor pulls far ahead of poor Darth Vader while the Dark Lord rots in Jail. Since the movie needs to capture the spirit of a true Monopoly game, it should be at least six hours long and end with all of the characters getting bored and counting their money. Battleship – A Film by MichaelBay This is the chance for hack director Michael Bay to set right everything he fouled-up in Pearl Harbor. Two commanders, so far apart on the ocean that they can’t even see each other’s ships, communicate via radio while fighting a grimy war to the bitter end. On one side, Russell Crowe and Ben Affleck, on the other, Jet Li and Shia LaBeouf. Crowe and Li are the commanders, while Affleck and LaBeouf (which is French for “almost all the vowels”) are the faithful first mates. Minute after agonizing minute, Crowe and Li call out the coordinates of their volleys, marking their hits and misses on a blue pegboard, while Affleck and La…oh hell, Shia, keep the grim tally by climbing the rigging and placing giant CGI red pegs into holes on the ship. As Li’s last vessel goes down, plunging he and Shia into the icy depths of the Hasbro sea, he sends a final message through gritted teeth to Crowe, knowing that he was bested by a better commander who he could respect as a friend if not for this damned war: “You’ve sunk…my battleship.” I can already smell the $140 million gross on opening weekend. Hey Universal, call me, okay? |
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| In time for last minute shopping... |
[Dec. 19th, 2007|02:46 pm] |
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The Worst Holiday Gifts of All Time There’s an old adage that is used a lot during the gift giving end-of-year holiday season: “It’s the thought that counts.” This is of course bull because often there is not one iota of thought involved in buying a gift. Whether through being rushed, broke or just fulfilling a sense of obligation, there are certain gifts that make one feel worse and unloved for receiving them. So with only a few shopping days left, please consider these Worst Holiday Gifts of All Time: 5. Wine: Perhaps it’s just me being a complete and total teetotaler, but I’ve noticed that wine snobs have become more prevalent in the last decade or so. Used to be some people would have a glass of wine with dinner or at a special event, but now one can’t turn around without running into someone who spent half of their life savings stocking their custom built wine cellar. Unfortunately, these people have also put it out into the gift-giving consciousness that receiving a bottle of wine is a great gift. Sure, it’s a great gift for them and they can give and receive bottles of wine all day long, but it’s a damn lousy gift for someone who doesn’t drink at all, prefers a different libation, or has a pocket full of AA chips. Even giving wine to other wine snobs may not be a good idea because they only like wine crushed by the feet of immigrant virgins during the full moon in 1947. Did I mention they were snobs? 4. Christmas-themed gifts: It’s one thing when someone collects something Christmas related, like Hallmark ornaments, or in my case, Old World Santa Clauses – the kind with the druidic robes and big sticks for beating unrepentant children – but nothing says “I want to give you something you can use once a year at best” like the Christmas-themed gift. Whether it’s a hat, sweater, or decoration, the recipient of your gift will enjoy it for the few days between Christmas and New Year’s before it is packed in a box and stored in the back of the garage for the next 334 days. Oh, and as a side-note, Christmas-themed items make really lousy Hanukkah gifts. 3. A Donation Has Been Made…: Christmas is supposed to be a time of sharing and of helping your fellow man, but nothing says “I’m just in this for the tax break” than the charitable donation made in someone’s name. Its one thing if someone says, “This year, instead of a present, please send some money to the Susan G. Komen breast cancer fund,” but when you just arbitrarily start handing out donations in their name it’s quite impersonal and possibly insulting. You might say to a co-worker, “Bob, I just donated $500 in your name to PETA. Isn’t that magnanimous of me and well reflecting on you?” Meanwhile, Bob comes from a family of French-Canadian furriers and could have really used that money to keep a Montreal-based bookie from breaking his wife’s fingers over some bad bets placed on the Canadiens. 2. Lottery Gift Cards: Obviously this varies from place to place, but if your local state/city/kingdom has a lottery program with instant-win scratch tickets, then some people will think these are really good gifts. Sure, it’s okay to put a $1 lottery ticket in the card included with a box of collectible handkerchiefs. It’s like saying “Hey buddy, maybe you’ll get lucky and win a million. Ha ha!” The fun of a lottery ticket gift diminishes quickly when they are the ONLY gift. “Here, I bought you $10 worth of lottery tickets. Here’s a 1 in 500 million chance of getting a present. Merry Christmas!” Usually gift cards are a good gift because you can’t always know exactly what movie someone wants from Best Buy or what style of jeans they like at Old Navy, but you can give them a gift card to get exactly what they want. Here in California, the big push this year is for Lottery Gift Cards. You can spend your money to give someone a card that may, but will likely not, give them anything in return. If the Lottery Gift Cards sell well, then I think the public will admit they are gullible enough to buy my Kick in the Crotch line of gift cards. Unlike the Lottery Gift Card, the Kick in the Crotch gift card will guarantee a swift kick in the crotch. That’s something, at least. 1. The Gift that Shines Forever: You’ve likely heard the radio commercials or seen it advertised on the internet, but there is no worst gift in the history of the known world than the International Star Registry. If you are not familiar with their services, for a modest fee of $54, the International Star Registry will “name” a star after someone. The name is “officially” recorded in book form and copyrighted while your “special someone” receives a fancy parchment and star chart showing where their star is in the night sky. Of course, this is all absolutely worthless. Real stars, as recognized by the International Astronomical Union, often have several names depending on different astronomical catalogs and the ancient cultures that first recorded them. For instance, the star Sirius is also known as 9 CMa, HR 2491 and BD-16 1591, but it is not recognized anywhere as Gwen, Bob from Accounting or Harvey Frunk. There will never ever be a Science Channel special on “Joe’s Star.” The IAU has a real fun FAQ on their website regarding organizations like the International Star Registry, but they fail to mention that there’s a very good chance, considering the vast distances of the universe, that any star you spent $54 to name after your loved one could have possibly burned out millions of years ago or gone up in a massive supernova destroying nearby planets and any chance of ever discovering extra-terrestrial life. Do you want that on your loved one’s conscience? Honestly, if you want to name a star after someone, just take them out in the backyard, and point at one, then give them the $54 so they can make a donation of Lottery Gift Cards in your name to a charity for recovering wine snobs. Ho ho ho! |
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| Good Gosh, Stop Them! |
[Dec. 19th, 2007|10:31 am] |
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A long while ago I wrote a little missive begging Angelina Jolie to adopt the children of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline – not because they faced any kind of material hardship, but intellectual poverty. Of course, unless you’ve spent the last year or so living in a cave (in which case, how are you reading the Internet?), you’ve seen and heard the absolute train wreck that Britney turned into after becoming a parent. It is hard to imagine a world where a man who doesn’t even know which part of a baseball cap faces the front (Kevin, honey, the long flat part is meant to keep the sun out of your eyes, not your ear.), but that is our world. Despite his absolute lack of hat-sense, Kevin Federline is the more responsible parent. Now comes the breaking tabloid news that Britney’s sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant. At 16. The father is apparently her high school boyfriend, Casey Aldridge, whose ability to wear a hat in the proper way is as yet undetermined at the time of this writing. Jamie Lynn and Britney’s mother Lynne, was reported to be “in shock” at the news and preparing her acceptance speech for Worst Parental Role Model of All Time. According to the report at Yahoo!, Jamie Lynn plans to raise the baby in Louisiana “so it can have a normal family life.” Umm, Jamie Lynn, your family is hardly what one would call normal. Might I remind you that you are pregnant at 16 and your sister is…well, insane? Hopefully once everyone gets over the “oohs” and “aahs” of another celebutard pregnancy, someone will actually ask Jamie Lynn why she chose to go through with a teenage pregnancy so she can give the standard answer that her religion or morality wouldn’t allow her not to. Ah, yes, the same religion or morality that is okay with unprotected teenage sex. Oh yeah, the kid’s in for a hell of a normal life. Honestly, it’s time for the government to step in, Elian Gonzalez-style, and whisk the yet unborn Jamie Lynn spawn and the two Britney offspring to some secret underground facility with Uncle Cheney. Perhaps it’s too harsh to suggest sterilization to keep the country from being overrun with media-hungry paparazzi fodder offspring, but at the very least we could give these kids a good healthy course in how to use birth control. |
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| Happy Holidays...of TERROR! |
[Oct. 24th, 2007|12:55 pm] |
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For the last several years my wife and I have sent out Christmas cards from National Geographic. Usually the cards feature a cool nature shot like polar bears or the Aurora Borealis or a cutesy picture of Santa surrounded by puppies and kittens. Last year, our cards were of a monkey with a snowball (yes, I have a weird sense of humor) and a penguin wearing a Photoshopped toque.
Like every other company cashing in on the holiday season, National Geographic usually starts sending out sample packs of cards in July, and keeps sending packs every few weeks until you finally break down and order. During the six month run-up to the holidays, my wife and I go through the packs separating out the cards we like from the ones we don't. "Let's see now, kitten on a blanket, maybe; Mary in the manger, too religious; Santa being dressed by birds, too Disney; Jesus fighting a polar bear, maybe," and so on.
There is always a couple of cards with a Norman Rockwell Americana feel to them featuring images of idyllic scenes where the air is crisp and ground is covered with snow, as opposed to the reality of the air being humid and the ground highly flammable. In a recent pack of samples, two of these cards had pictures that were meant to convey the "beauty and joy" of the holidays, but my wife and I saw them as having much darker overtones.
This one is called "Snow Gazer" and as the description notes "the snowman is a prominent figure in verses and songs of the season." When we saw this picture, however, the thought we had was more along the lines of an Evil Snowman Overlord looking down upon the innocent, idyllic humans, just seconds before hitting them with a freeze ray and shattering their frozen bones. One can almost hear him chuckling to himself in an Orson Welles-style voice, "Yes, dear humans, play and skate. Enjoy your last few moments of warm breath and warm blood. Yes, dear humans, yes."
This other image is called "Helping Hands," but we saw it as the sequel to the Evil Snowman Overlord story. After taking over the world, the Evil Snowman Overlord allows certain small humans to serve him and see to his every need.
Again, ala Orson Welles, "Yes, dear children, you are pleasing your icy overlord. Bring forth several more coal buttons, a corn cob pipe, and more puppies for the bloodletting. Do as your snowmaster demands!"
Personally I can't wait for the next pack of sample cards to see if there's any more Evil Snowman Overlord pictures, but if nothing else, there's always the chance of a monkey with a snowball. |
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| As requested, here's the list... |
[Oct. 17th, 2007|04:29 pm] |
Okay, my friend ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7) dreamwarden recently did one of those posts where someone asks you to explain several things from your list of interests. I volunteered to follow his with one of my own, and these are the things he chose for me to elaborate on: British comedy, comic books, monster movies, Mystery Science Theater 3000, radio dramas, theater and video games. So, here goes: British comedy: First and foremost, I love to laugh. It could be slapstick or cerebral, satire or stand-up, if it’s funny, I generally enjoy it. To that end, I particularly like British comedy because a lot of it is often smart and not afraid to be absolutely zany. One of the things killing the modern sitcom, in my opinion, is that they are too tied to demographics. “Will this play with 20-year-olds?” “Will this play in the Midwest?” A lot of the best British comedies aren’t afraid to set a show in the trenches of France during WWI or do a sketch about people trying to “Confuse-A-Cat,” or nailing plates to a table (and subsequently into someone’s legs). Anything goes, so long as it’s funny. Nowadays the only American shows we have using the same kind of formula are the animated shows like The Simpsons, Family Guy and South Park. Comic books: It all started with MAD Magazine and the daily comics in the newspaper. When I’d go on a camping trip as a boy, I’d always get to buy a copy of MAD and a handful of comics to read at night. There was always something awesome about telling a story with words and dynamic pictures, whether it was a crazy Don Martin big-flappy-foot guy or the Hulk smashing stuff. I didn’t really start following comic book storylines regularly until well-into my 20’s, but I read the funny pages every day and thanks to the internet, I’ve got a whole world of online comics that I love. Monster movies: This one has really changed with age. As a kid, monster movies were cool because, well, there were monsters in them! It’s kind of like the kid fascination with dinosaurs, except these dinosaurs breathe fire and repeatedly destroy Tokyo. Getting older I’ve come to appreciate another side of monsters and what makes a monster. Why are they evil (generally)? I especially like the human-to-monster like the werewolf and vampire and what separates the man from the beast. Mystery Science Theater 3000: For someone who loves to laugh and watch monster movies, this is a no-brainer! Best of all, MST3K is also very smart comedy as well, not afraid to throw out obscure references right alongside the current stuff. Creator Joel Hodgson once put it that he never worries that people won’t get it, “the right people get it.” Radio dramas: I recall that as a little kid, I used to have my mom put on record albums with talking on them so I could go to sleep. (If I didn’t sound alone, the things in the closet couldn’t eat me.) This kind of became a habit as I got older and it helped me to appreciate language and a good story. Later I would go to bed listening to hockey games or classic radio dramas on a local news station. Of course, the great thing about radio is that it’s all theater of the imagination so you can have a story about anything. I recall Douglas Adams mentioning in an interview that Zaphod’s extra head and third arm were throw-away gags that didn’t mean a lot until Hitchhiker’s Guide was later made into a television show and making them actual became a huge headache. Theater: There was a teacher in junior high who took me aside and said that I should get into theater in high school as an outlet for my creative tendencies. Now, I was never a class clown or anything of that sort, but I did use to make up goofy characters and do imitations a lot. (I think this particular talk happened after I spent a whole day talking like Inspector Clouseau.) She was right, and I’ve been hooked ever since. Whether it’s acting, working behind the scenes or directing a play, its fun and hard work, but it’s so rewarding and nothing’s more addictive than applause. Video games: I guess I love video games simply because I grew up during the video game revolution. I can remember the first home Pong games and coming across these new machines at the pizza parlor called Space Invaders, Asteroids and Pac-Man. I remember the first neighborhood arcades, the Atari 2600, Colecovision and the first ever Nintendo Entertainment System (which is still hooked up at my parent’s house). It’s been fun watching things go from a simple white line on a television to millions of players worldwide playing in a three-dimensional virtual world, and I’m sure it’s going to get even better in the future. |
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| I couldn't resist... |
[Sep. 23rd, 2007|09:13 pm] |
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Marcel Marceau passed away today - they say he went quietly. |
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| 8-7-2007 |
[Aug. 8th, 2007|12:29 pm] |
*
'Nuff said. |
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| It's a Cat Thing |
[Jul. 26th, 2007|02:03 pm] |
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You’ve probably heard about Oscar the cat by now. If not, here’s the quick update. Oscar lives at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Providence, Rhode Island. Raised there as a kitten, the cat makes regular “rounds” just like staff members, checking in on patients. Like many cats, Oscar is fairly aloof and doesn’t spend a lot of time with people except in certain circumstances. As detailed in the New England Journal of Medicine, Oscar has a knack for curling up next to patients in their final hours, specifically the final two hours. He’s been likened to a furry Grim Reaper. Staff at Steere House have been using Oscar’s uncanny predictions to notify family when a loved one’s death is imminent and they are wondering just how Oscar knows that the end is near. Some are chalking it up to Oscar being “psychic” (um…it’s a cat…) and others are wondering if there is a biochemical reason or if Oscar is just keyed into the emotions of the people around him. The reality, of course, is that Oscar is a cat, and anyone who has a cat knows they have an uncanny ability to sense things. What they can sense really depends on the cat and their personality. In Oscar’s case, he might be the kitty-equivalent of a Goth, a macabre cat who feels comforted and fascinated with death. If he could dress up in a vampire outfit and carry a parasol around a Renaissance Faire, he probably would. As a proud cat dad, I’ve come to realize that each of my three cats have the uncanny ability to sense things as well, however none of them can sense anything as useful as my impending death – at least not that I’ve ever noticed. Much like Oscar, my three boys seem to be keyed in to sensing the things they enjoy most. Slinky, for instance, has the ability to sense when it is 3:45 in the afternoon. It doesn’t matter that he can’t read a clock or wear a digital watch, Slinky always knows when it is 3:45 p.m. Slinky knows this time because it is fifteen minutes before he usually gets fed, and for Slinky, that is a very big deal indeed. At 3:45 p.m., Slinky will find his human or humans and stare at them. He’ll ignore pats on the head and repeated declarations of “It’s not four yet!” and just keep staring until finally someone gets up and pulls the Friskies out of the fridge. It doesn’t matter if it’s Daylight Savings Time or if he got fed later that morning, when 3:45 occurs, Slinky knows it. Our cat Boo also has an uncanny sense. He’s a lap cat who loves to cuddle and have his belly rubbed. While he can have that kind of attention all night long, he has the amazing ability to sense exactly when one of his humans is ready to get up off the couch, usually to g  o to bed or use the restroom. Boo can spend most of an evening walking about, playing with a toy or laying on his favorite sofa cushion, but when one of his humans so much as thinks about getting up, he immediately makes a beeline for their lap, flopping down, rolling about to show his belly and demanding attention. Boo’s brother Bean also has the ability to sense when his humans are about to leave and demand attention. One of his favorite things is to lay on his side and have his head and back rubbed with someone’s shoe or foot (I can’t explain it either…) and he can sense exactly when someone is about to go somewhere when they are on a schedule. Need to get to work or make an appointment on time? There’s Bean in the hallway, flopping over and meowing loudly until you come over to rub him with your foot. Any other time he’ll want you to do this for just a moment, but when you’ve got to be somewhere, the foot rubbing can never, ever end. Try to pull away and he’ll just roll over and present his other side, meowing with an air of contempt. (“Hey, don’t forget this side!”) Perhaps Oscar the nursing home cat eats souls, or perhaps he’s that cat of legend that steals away the breath of humans. Regardless, don’t question his methods or madness too much. He’s a cat, after all. |
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| Good riddance... |
[May. 15th, 2007|12:25 pm] |
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. evangelist Jerry Falwell, a leader of the religious right who battled in the political arena against abortion and homosexuality, died on Tuesday after collapsing in his Virginia office.
It almost makes me wish I believed in hell so I could imagine him burning in it... |
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| Ahhhh...lovely... |
[May. 4th, 2007|04:53 pm] |
Assuming she doesn't weasel her way out of it, Paris Hilton will be going to jail for 45 days starting June 5. I can't imagine a more fitting setting for someone who has forced herself on the public for being nothing more than a talentless rich snot.
Celebrities in trouble always seem to capture the public attention, but when they are celebretards, it not only gets your attention, but it gives you a wonderful sense of euphoria watching them screw up their lives. It gives us peons an opportunity to completely loathe another human being and not feel a single iota of shame for it.
I'm not a believer in wishes being granted, but just look at how things have turned out lately: Paris heading to jail, Anna Nicole kicking the bucket, Grindhouse tanking in theaters. It's like the universe is offering me up a heap of schadenfreude donuts with chocolate sprinkles of evil.
Perhaps all that "positive thinking" brain sludge of The Secret actually works. Maybe if I just keep wishing hard enough, a day will soon come when the entire Bush administration will be carted off in handcuffs and a meteorite will slam into Barry Bonds during his first at bat after hitting home run 754.
Mmmm...evil donuts...
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