Maybe You Don't Have Time To Have Kids

Much as "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy" was the "standard repository for all knowledge and wisdom" People magazine seems to be trying to make its mark as "the standard repository for all examples of bad parenting."

Not only did People feature the story about parents buying $2,000 helmets to prevent flatheaded babies, but an article from the beginning of August is a landmark in the annals of bad modern parenting and a shining example of why many people should just reconsider having kids in the first place.

The article, written by Nancy Jeffrey with accompanying photos by Brooke Slezak (which, I can't help but snicker at since it brings to mind images of a constantly-hissing lizard-like photographer that flinches whenever the flash goes off) is called "When Parents Outsource."

It opens with an idyllic description of a little girl learning to ride a bike while a man runs along behind keeping it steady.

What's different about this picture? The man is not Jessica's father. Or brother. Or Uncle Ed. He's Aresh Mohit, a professional bicycle coach hired at $60 an hour by Jessica's parents, Bruce and Lisa.

If you haven't guessed already, the article details the supposedly growing trend to hire "coaches" to teach such basic childhood skills as manners, clothes shopping, riding a bike and potty-training.

It used to be that the single or dual income parents had to rely on day cares and nannies to care for their children while they worked, but now the fine tradition of "let someone else deal with the kids" has permeated the most basic of parental duties, like potty-training or learning to ride a bike.

"When you're teaching your kid, they have anxiety, you have anxiety," Bruce, the father of the girl with the bike coach is quoted as saying in the article. "This takes the pressure off us."

You know, Bruce, if you didn't want "pressure," maybe you shouldn't have HAD CHILDREN!!! Ever give that a thought, or was your desire to have the perfect "American dream" of a house, two cars, two kids and a fleet of hamsters so compelling that you just had to have kids despite the fact that you and your wife couldn't be bothered to take the time or effort to teach your daughter to ride a friggin' bike.

Now, I could understand if your kid wanted to learn something that is not a common skill such as playing the piano, ballet or a sport that the parents never played. I'll even give you swimming since not everyone grew up near a pool or the water, but riding a bike? Come on!

If that's not bad enough, the article notes that Mohit, the "bike tutor" also provides services such as rollerblading to - get this - playing catch in the backyard. PLAYING CATCH? Are you telling me you went ahead and had children even though you don't have the time or desire to play a game of catch? Who the hell are you? Paris Hilton or some other brain-dead idiot who thinks babies are fashion accessories like tiny dogs.

Mohit, the tutor, states in the article that he's helped about 1,800 kids since 2001. "In the beginning, people were ashamed - they'd do it secretly," he's quoted. They should be ashamed, every last one of them, because they've failed - not just as parents but as human beings. They earn enough to hire other people to train their kids to do the same simple things that their mothers and fathers taught them. Isn't that what parenting is, teaching a young human how to function in the world? If they become grandparents, will they hire other people to spoil the grandkids since they probably still won't have the time or gumption to do it themselves?

The article goes on to describe a potty-training clinic for $200 where the parents sit and watch while someone else teaches their kid to use the toilet, and a $200 an hour manners consultant that teaches kids how to properly say "please," "thank you" and shake hands.

There's even a so-called "Wardrobe-disagreement" consultant that takes young girls shopping for "cool clothes that Mom likes too." Gee, maybe Mom could just try going to the mall with her daughter and saying "no" to things she disapproves of, but that would take time and effort, right? Oh, and her daughter might get upset at her, which would then require hours of therapy that she'll have to cram into her kid-ignoring schedule.

It's hard to say what is worse: parents who completely neglect their kids and provide them with nothing, or parents who want to provide their kids with everything, but who can't be bothered to find the time necessary to actually be a parent. I can only wonder how many of these pay-per-kid parents would call those who have chosen not to have kids because they can't afford the time or effort "selfish"?

The article closes with a quote from Lisa, the mother of the little girl learning to ride the bike. "It's like watching her take her first step. I would have liked to be there." Well, Lisa, you had your chance and you blew it. You went and hired someone else to "be there" so don't get too upset because not only did you lose the game of parenting, you forfeited. Your kid will grow up to hire someone else to teach her baby to take its first steps because she didn't learn that parenting is a full-time, non-stop job, she learned that someone else will be glad to do it for you so long as you pay them.