When Seinfeld was the biggest thing on TV, I wasn’t a fan. It’s not that I dislike the show, I just didn’t watch a lot of standard prime time programming. Seeing the show in syndication, I’ve always gotten a laugh from it.

I hope Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. David will just keep counting their millions and excuse me for adapting a bit of their routine for a new program I’d like to propose: The Science Nazi.

Much like the soup-denying character from Seinfeld, the Science Nazi will have his catch-phrase: “NO SCIENCE FOR YOU!” This will be used to deny the benefits of science to those in our society who continually seek to forgo science for mysticism, spirituality and superstition.

Why do we need the Science Nazi? Have you taken a look at what’s happening in Kansas right now? A bunch of idiots promoting “Intelligent Design” are trying to make the Kansas Board of Education abandon evolution in science classes. The “Intelligent Design” guys will insist that they just want to provide an alternate to evolution, which they feel is just an unproven theory. As the great Carl Sagan once said, “Bullshit!” No, wait, that was Penn & Teller. What Sagan said was “Evolution is a fact, not a theory.” Evolutionary changes can be observed in small increments over decades in simple species such as insects, and the fossil record continues to provide us with links between complex organisms, such as the recent dinosaur find that helps bridge the gap between meat and plant eaters.

See the Intelligent Design folks make their argument without any published studies, documentation, or any of the paperwork that people making these kinds of arguments should be required to produce. They don’t say who or what the “intelligence” behind the design is because then they’d be required to provide proof of it. Basically, they want you to take it on faith that it can happen, because nature is so well organized. Yes, nature that produces two-headed snakes, flies that live for less than a day and tree-hugging marsupials that only eat Eucalyptus.

One of the other reasons the Intelligent Design folks don’t want to mention the method for the intelligence is that then they’d be forced to reveal that its just Creationism promoted by their evangelical Christian backers. I guess they just feel that Kansas, with its lack of topography, will be more open to their attempts to drag education back into the dark ages because nothing opens the mind more than a Kansas landscape.

This is why we need the Science Nazi. In a situation like this, he would walk up to the Kansas Board of Education and announce:

NO SCIENCE FOR YOU!

What’s that Mr. Board Member? You want to use your cell phone? Sorry that was only possible with the scientific discovery of radio waves.

NO SCIENCE FOR YOU!

What’s that Mr. Intelligent Design/Creationist? You want to drive your giant SUV? Sorry, gasoline is a fossil fuel from the days of the dinosaurs, which don’t exist in your Bible. Not to mention the refining process, and the workings of the internal combustion engine.

NO SCIENCE FOR YOU!

What’s that Mr. Concerned Parent? You don’t support gay marriage cause it’s “unnatural” since gays can’t breed, even though your own quadruplets couldn’t have been born without fertility drugs?

NO SCIENCE FOR YOU!

What’s that President Bush? You don’t support stem cell research and denounce global warming, yet you want to bomb places and send spaceships to Mars? Bombs and rocket fuel don’t just magically appear like the voices in your head that told you to be president.

NO SCIENCE FOR YOU!

These are just a few of the reasons why we need the Science Nazi. We need to remind people that they can’t have it both ways. They can’t have their 21st century technology, medicine and conveniences and still expect society to adhere to fairy tales from 2,000 years ago. If they want that kind of life, they can hang out with the Amish or set up a sanctuary cut off from the world like in The Village. If they are lucky and a divine source is watching out for them, maybe a bunch of them won’t drop dead from easily curable diseases.

Oh, and you, the guy right there, yes you, the one who doesn’t want kids reading Harry Potter because magic is bad, unless it’s Jesus-magic. You shouldn’t be using a computer, that’s chock-full of science and technical wizardry. Log off! Get out of here!

NO SCIENCE FOR YOU!